Expressing Gratitude
- You Are Not Alone
- The Big Picture
- Things To Try
- There Is Hope
If we thought about it, we would find that we don’t give or hear expressions of gratitude as often as we should. If you feel this way you are certainly not alone. Remembering to Express Gratitude can help us and our family members. Gratitude is more than an inner feeling. When good things are happening around us, when we’re with those we love and we’re grateful and we’re expressing it, the feeling of love and tenderness grows. Gratitude can bring a calming feeling.
What is gratitude, really? It includes saying “thank you” and being polite. But it is more than that. Expressing Gratitude is the beginning of courtesy, generosity, concern and appreciation for family members and others.
A deeply felt and fully expressed gratitude is an effective way to positively influence attitudes and behavior, our own and that of others. Learning to feel and express gratitude can have a significant effect on the happiness and success of every family member.
So how do we help our families do it? First, watch the brief video on Expressing Gratitude by clicking on the arrow in the window. Then, read the information under the two tabs, The Big Picture and Things to Try. These sections contain information to help you improve your own ability and teach family members how to express gratitude more effectively.
There is no such thing as gratitude unexpressed. If it is unexpressed, it is plain, old-fashioned ingratitude. ~Robert Brault
Where Does Gratitude Begin?Let’s begin at the beginning. What we mean is that any effort to produce happiness in the family starts with you . . . and this includes teaching gratitude. You will probably be tempted to ask, “Can that be right? My kids are the ungrateful ones!” Most of us start family improvement efforts with a focus on the “offender,” by trying to change our child’s behavior. Let’s step back and try to change our perspective a little bit. If we always focus on the behavior of our children, we may miss the origins of that behavior . . . ourselves!
|
What are the Benefits of Gratitude?
Expressions of gratitude build and encourage our children and spouses. Our family needs to know that we appreciate things they do, efforts they make. It comes back to us all knowing and feeling that we are blessed in so many ways. |
Gratitude JournalOne way to focus our minds on the things in our lives that engender feelings of gratitude is to write down what we are grateful for. A gratitude journal is a treasure of private expressions of thankfulness that helps us recognize all the goodness in our own lives and in the lives of those we care about. A gratitude journal can also help us recognize opportunities to express our gratitude. As we notice the things we are grateful for we will be more inclined to express gratitude to others, thus multiplying the positive benefits of our gratitude.
|
Being an Example of Gratitude
“Setting an example is not the main means of influencing another, it is the only means.” -Albert Einstein It’s a lot easier for our children to learn to feel and express gratitude if they grow up seeing gratitude expressed our home. Let your children see you expressing gratitude, showing appreciation for what you have and what others have done for you. Our feelings of gratitude reflect our character. When we express gratitude our children feel loved and appreciated. They learn how feeling and expressing gratitude blesses their lives and the lives of others. Children learn gratitude best by watching you show gratitude. |
Expressing gratitude seems so simple and yet it has immediate and lasting positive effects on us. To begin experiencing the benefits of expressing gratitude in our families, we must first awaken within ourselves the attitude of being appreciative. Doing this will increase the positive feelings in our families, foster love, build relationships and reduce criticism.
Imagine the feelings of this young man’s parents . . .
“There sits a young man here today in whose home I was a guest. Since he had recently left for [university], I was to sleep in his room Saturday night. As his mother showed me the room, she opened his closet where I saw a handwritten letter taped to the rod in the closet. It read:
Mom, Thanks for all you’ve done to make this a special summer. You are a very special mother and I thank the Lord for the blessing of being your son. I love you and appreciate all you do in my behalf. See you in November.
Paul
“As she paused while I read it, she said, ‘Hope you don’t mind hanging your clothes out here. This note is still kind of precious. You know, every time I open this closet I read it again, and I would like to leave it there a little longer’” (What Kind of Thanks? Brigham Young University Speeches of the Year [26 Nov. 1968], 5).
Family Activity: Gratitude Journals
Purchase a journal or notebook. Pick a time where you will take a few minutes each day to write in this journal what you are grateful for. Think of both your immediate and extended family. Think of your friends, neighbors, and your work colleagues. You may even think of the physical things in your life like your home, your health. You get the idea.
This activity can be used with your family as well. Get everyone a notebook. At a regular time such as dinner or bedtime, have everyone list 5 things they are grateful for in their journal. Parents or older children can write for younger children who can’t do it themselves or let the younger ones draw pictures of what they are grateful for. Have everyone share their list or at least one thing from their list. Maybe everyone writes in their journal everyday but family members only share something from their lists with each other once a week. Or, you can simply do this once a week as a family. Just decide what works best for you.
Five A Day
Set a goal to express your gratitude at least five times a day. Be sure to include family members but don’t forget other people too. It might be someone you normally pass by. What about the person at the market or someone at your child’s school? Be creative as you look for opportunities. Remember to use the person’s name, say what you are grateful for, and why. You may even write down the reactions you get from people as you express gratitude.
Challenge everyone in your family to do “five a day” and report who they thanked and how it went. You could also make this a conversation at dinner or some other time.
Try Something New
What are some ways of expressing gratitude that you typically don’t do? You might show your gratitude by taking care of the children while your wife enjoys an evening with friends. Is there something that your children do that they’d be thrilled to have you notice? What about extended family members and friends? Are there people you think about but they may not have heard from you lately? You get the idea, after trying it, challenge your family to do the same.
The Teaching Pattern
The example of the teaching pattern below will give you an idea of an effective way to formally teach your children how express gratitude. The idea is that you would decide how to say things in your own words. It may seem awkward at first, but don’t skip any of the steps. It works!
Describe the skill and explain why it is important: “Tonight we’re going to talk about expressing gratitude. There are 4 steps: 1) Look at the person; 2) Say the persons name; 3) Tell what you are grateful for; 4) Say why you are grateful for it. Can you tell me the four steps? (Family repeats the steps.) Expressing gratitude is important because it tells others we love and appreciate them. Why do you think it is important? (Short discussion).
Show what the skill looks like: “I’m going to show you what expressing gratitude looks like and you watch to see if I follow all of the steps.” (Choose a family member to help you.) “John, I appreciate you taking out the garbage. I didn’t have time and doing it would have made me late for work. OK. Did I look at him, say his name, tell what I was grateful for and say why? (Repeating the steps frequently will help your children remember them).
Have children practice multiple scenarios (examples and non-examples): “Now it’s your turn to try it.” (Choose a couple of family members and whisper the scenario to one of them. For example, “Heather, I want you to express your gratitude to Jason for giving you a ride to school.”) “Did Heather follow all of the steps?” (If she didn’t, let her try it again.) Now ask Heather to sit down and ask another family member to role-play with Jason. (Whisper the scenario to Jason.) Without looking at Dad, Jason says with some attitude, “Thanks for finally letting me take the car.” (Ask “Did Jason follow the steps? What didn’t he do? You should also talk about the tone of his comment.) Let Jason do it again the correct way. (Practice example and non-example scenarios until you feel everyone has learned the skill. This can be a lot of fun!)
Provide lots of encouragement and praise what they got right. If they made a mistake, first point out what they got right, then explain what they didn't do correctly. End with an encouraging statement: This step takes place throughout the practice part of the lesson. “John, I’ve noticed you are good at this already so I know you can do it.” “Jason, you said what you were thankful for but you didn’t look Dad in the eye, say his name or say why you were grateful. Let’s try it again.” “Heather, you followed all of the steps! Awesome!”
Researchers Report the Benefits of Gratitude
Froh, Sefick and Emmons, quoted the following benefits in their article on adolescent gratitude:
- People who are happy tend to also be grateful.
- Expressing gratitude increases the positive feelings we feel from receiving someone’s kindness.
- Thinking about positive experiences is psychologically beneficial.
- Noticing the good things in one's life and enjoying them leads to more fulfilling experiences.
Froh, J. J., Sefick, W. J., & Emmons, R. A. (2008). Counting Blessings in Early Adolescents: An experimental study of gratitude and subjective well-being. Journal of School Psychology, 46, 213-233.
“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.” - Cicero
“The deepest craving of all human nature is the need to be appreciated.” - William James
The Power of Gratitude is in How it Makes Us Feel
From time to time it may be helpful to reflect on the events in our lives that make life more enjoyable. Gratitude is about feelings as shown in the story below:
“Until this morning, I felt that I had been very much imposed upon. At a cost of considerable effort and inconvenience, some days ago I performed a difficult service for a friend—at his urgent insistence. So far as I knew he hadn’t made any effort to see me since then. There was no word of thanks—no evidence of any appreciation—no suggestion that my services had been satisfactory—just silence.
Silence—that is, until this morning, when a sincere and satisfying note of appreciation came from him. And in the moment or two it took to read it, it warmed my heart and altered my outlook on the whole episode. Writing it had cost him only a very little time, but it had rewarded me richly.” (Richard L. Evans—The Man and His Message [1973], 285).
Click Here to download a reminder that you can put on your refrigerator.