Handling Curfews

Are you losing as much sleep over your teen as you did when he was a newborn? Most parents worry about the best ways to deal with the new independence adolescents rejoice in as they begin to drive and date.

Dr. Glenn Latham, author of a book on "positive parenting" says, "In dealing with teens, it is best for parents to set conditions with care and sparingly."

This section introduces some ideas and perspectives regarding curfews, including why having a "time you agree to be home" that is somewhat flexible might be better than the notion of a hard-and-fast curfew which most of us grew up with.

Focus on Schedules.

We do best if we keep schedules and curfews flexible, depending on the child and the event.

Discussing curfews as you talk about overall schedules will take the focus off of "curfew" and put it on the type of activity, safety concerns, and responsibility issues.

Emphasize Safety.

Helping our children understand that schedules are set up for safety can help them see curfews not as restrictive whims, but as practical matters.

One family decided the "rules" regarding times to be home would be about knowing where all family members were at all times. This included children knowing where parents were as well.

Practice Negotiation.

It can be tempting--and easy--to create hard-and-fast rules about curfews, but most parenting experts agree that times that teens must be home should be worked out by parents and teens together.

"Where are you going to be? How long? Is that enough time? Can you get home by then? Will you let us know if it's a problem?" (Cline & Fay 200).

Asking these types of questions sets up a pattern of negotiation between parents and child that allows the child to be honest. Such questions also show that your main concern is the child's safety that Mom and Dad are not, as teens are quick to believe, merely control freaks.

One father decided that the best way to handle kids coming home past the negotiated time was to simply explain that he was tired and would talk to the child later about the broken agreement. Then the next time the child asked to go out, he would say, "Oh gee, I'm just not up to worrying tonight. Why don't you stick around?" or "I'm sorry, you can't go out tonight honey. I need my sleep" (Cline & Fay 200). Anger causes confrontation, but sometimes teenagers will listen to the practical effects that their lateness creates for you. (The humor in the responses also breaks down communication barriers.)

Handling curfews as part of the overall scheduling you do in a week helps your child have the opportunity to be responsible.

Negotiation between parent and child is important and can create a sense of trust between parent and child in ways that strict one-way rules usually do not.

Sources

Cline, Foster, and Jim Fay. Parenting Teens with Love and Logic. Colorado Springs, CO: Pinion Press, 2006.
Latham, Glenn I. The Power of Positive Parenting: A Wonderful Way to Raise Children. Logan, UT: P&T Ink, 1994.