The advice "It's all about follow-through," is as true in parenting as it is in golf.
All behavior has consequences; however, children can be so focused on the ball rolling into the street that they ignore the risk they take chasing after it.
By following through as consistently as we can with planned consequences (allowing natural consequences, whenever possible, to run their course), parents can help children feel a sense of safety.
BYU researchers Michelle Marchant and K. Richard Young explain that being consistent is one of the "Three B's" of effective parenting.
Consequences Should Be Understood
Dr. Glenn Latham, a parenting researcher, teaches parents how to be
more consistent using planned consequences in their
parenting.
Have you ever in a moment of
frustration threatened to "take away candy for the rest of the year,"
or vowed to never, ever let a child leave the house
again?
Those frazzled scenarios aren't
representative of our best parenting. By making sure consequences are
understood up front, such as, "If you don't do your chores one
evening, you'll need to do double the next evening," parents can
reduce contention.
Consequences Should Be Reasonable
Parents should try to match the consequence as closely as possible to
the behavior.
If your child walks away
from a mess without cleaning it up, it is reasonable to have him
return and do so. A less reasonable consequence might be to put him in
timeout.
It is reasonable to have a
late-returning teenager finish her homework even though she's tired,
but not as reasonable to withhold all of her social privileges for an
entire week.
Consequences Should Be Manageable
"I keep my word," is simple to say but harder to do. A father who
tells his young daughter he won't take her to the movie unless the
daughter calms down has to be ready to stay home and miss the movie if
the girl remains upset.
Administering
consequences takes work, but it should be doable work. Creating
manageable consequences will help you keep your word, and not get
yourself into a bind!
Oftentimes this
means trying to think through the consequences before a situation
arises.
Delivered Consistently and Immediately
Children are trusting. If you say you'll do something, they'll believe
you will, unless you prove them wrong too many
times.
Keeping your word and following
through consistently and immediately will create a sense of security
and trust between children and parents.
Ahead of Time
Is your child's behavior difficult for you to handle? Decide on the most reasonable consequence for that behavior, using input from your spouse, and even the child where appropriate (Her drastic measures might surprise you!). Discuss the consequence in a calm moment with your child, and be ready to put it into action when needed.
Exceptions
Life is filled with exceptions. The goal of being consistent as a parent is not to be harsh and unreasonable. If, despite your best efforts to create reasonable consequences, you feel like a consequence does not fit a certain situation, be willing to discuss it with your child. Make sure you explain why there is an exception.
Positive Consequences
Think of a positive behavior you love seeing in your child, and then create a positive consequence. The "consequence" or reward does not have to be large to have a positive impact. One kindergartner exclaimed as she came home from school, "Mom! I earned my Skittle today!"
Unified As Parents
In an Ensign article, we read about the importance of parents being unified to achieve consistency. "If parents are to be unified, they must spend time together discussing ideas and planning approaches. One couple met this need in a weekly 'partnership meeting.' They left the home (often stopping for a root beer) and discussed the current needs of their children. Another couple plans a weekend away several times a year—a time to plan, set goals, and strengthen their own relationship. These times give couples the chance to become united in their feelings and objectives" ("Discipline").
Being consistent in our parenting does take work, but less work in the long run. It's like correcting a car as you drive: small corrections as you head down the road do require your attention, but it will be much easier than assuming the car can make it on its own, without guidance from you.
As parents, we are generally in control of planned consequences. Effective consequences for our children are understood by them, reasonable, manageable, and delivered consistently (Latham, 1994). Being consistent with consequences requires time and energy, but you will quickly discover the positive payoffs of consistent follow-through in your parenting.
Sources
"Disciplining with Love," Ensign, Sep. 1985,
32.
Latham, Glenn I. The Power of Positive
Parenting. Logan, UT: P&T ink, 1994.
Marchant,
M. & Young, R. (2005). 3 B's of effective parenting: Be proactive,
be positive, and be consistent. Marriage and Families, (Winter), 18-25.